U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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