that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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