I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
