I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
