If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
