Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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