Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
