i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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