do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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