it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
