Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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