I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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