I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
