Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
