And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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