I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
