I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
