Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
