this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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