So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
whose ass print is on the piano?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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