a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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