i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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