Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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