Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
