last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
