I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
