oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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