I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
