If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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