its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
