The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
