Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
home. puking in laundry basket.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
