Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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