I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
