but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
