I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
