My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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