if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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