so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
