The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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