I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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