i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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