ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
