i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
