Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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