Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
