There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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