She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
