i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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