My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
