I will die if light touches me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
