If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
