Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
