i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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