I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
