Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
